Friday, June 20, 2014

When LIFE is Tough...

Dear friends,

Hi. :) ...

We've had some tough times this summer. In addition to hospital visits, challenges continue...

I have neglected to take my kids to the dentist for most of their lives, simply because we didn't have the money or the insurance. I have been fiercely independent, and don't like welfare programs. But you know what... I just realized that I have been spending my life WAITING for the time that I can afford to do this or that, and you know what, the time is now! - THE NEED IS NOW! And if I can't do it on my own NOW, then I need to get some help!

*Levi has had a sore tooth, only now and then, so I wasn't too worried, but knew he should see a dentist. Thanks to Medicaid (and a big dose of humility)... I took my youngest son to the dentist this morning! As it turns out, he REALLY needed to see a dentist! He has to go to an oral surgeon to have one tooth extracted (it has an incredibly HUGE hole in it, which we had NO IDEA was there). When I saw the photos of his teeth today - I thought of the dental neglect that his three older siblings have also suffered, and wondered what THEIR teeth look like (now that they are too old to qualify for Medicaid, but still have very little money)... suddenly felt like the BIGGEST mom LOOSER e.v.e.r!

*A couple days ago I learned about a fairly big problem that my husband and I MUST solve, and I came un-glued over it (only because we have had this happen REPEATEDLY; and there seems to be no end to some things!). For a few minutes I WASN'T COOPING - AT ALL! I drove off and called someone and for about 30 seconds, I really let my frustration out over the phone, venting with more angry passion than anyone would care to witness.

But I knew I had to pull myself together so I could help my family to cope. Thankfully, I seem to have gotten the tension out over the phone; I was amazed at how I was able to deal with the challenge in a whole other way... just moments later. :)

What started out as the worst day ever, actually ended as a truly great day; we even went to the theater together as a family and saw a wonderful comedy! :) It has been a couple days, and the problem isn't entirely solved, but one miracle has occurred already, and the problem is much smaller now.

I could list more struggles, but I don't want to. :)

It's been a tough time this summer. But life is still so good!

OK. Maybe I WILL talk briefly about one or two more struggles...

*I have this teenage son who is always butting heads with me! (Note, I don't butt heads with him, he buts heads with me! HA! ;)) In my eyes, this son is often so disrespectful and selfish. AND THEN... THE LORD HELPS ME TO SEE HIM, THROUGH HIS EYES, and I am again amazed and filled with wonder at how beautiful he is!

Not only that, I am blessed to see MYSELF in a different light, and to realize that HE IS GOING THROUGH THE SAME THING I AM GOING THROUGH, and that I appear to him just as he appears to me... He is struggling to see me AS I TRULY AM, just as I often struggle to see him AS HE TRULY IS...

*And then there was the phone call with a family member, in which this person wanted me to know that she was "worried" about one of my children... I think they sometimes tell me they are worried about this child, simply because they know how GREAT I think KNOW this kid is, so they think I must not be aware of the imperfections that exist! :o - Not so! This child is INCREDIBLE, imperfections and all!!! And I am 100% CONFIDENT that this young life is going to turn out absolutely AMAZING! :D - Each and every one of these kids is going to turn out GREAT!

None of us are perfect little angels...

or wretched little devils...

None of us are incredibly wise,

or completely and hopelessly foolish...

We are all HUMAN. Filled with good, bad, wisdom, foolishness, and everything in between!

And we are all just doing the best that we can with what we have!

And no matter how many challenges and curve balls life throws at you... there will be just as many roses to smell and treasures to treasure!

LIFE is Good. :)

***Always remember that when things look grim...

No matter what your struggles, no matter how steep the climb, keep climbing with a smile, and look around for the blessings in life; cause you know what, the steeper the climb, the greater the view!

Your challenges may be comparable to climbing a mountain with loose rocks, slippery slopes, and steep inclines, but keep running the race of life, because in terrain like that - THE VIEW IS always going to be GREAT at the end of a faithful climb! :)

HUGS to all my friends,
Corine :D

Friday, June 6, 2014

Like a Broken Vessel

"I woke up this morning and was prompted to write this... I hope these words helps someone that is suffering or helps someone you know that is suffering.

The greatest spiritual leader of the modern era once asked while suffering persecution and terribly cruel acts... 'O God, where art thou? And where is the pavilion that covereth thy hiding place?'
The reassuring response came:
'My son, peace be unto thy soul; thine adversity and thine afflictions shall be but a small moment;
'And then, if thou endure it well, God shall exalt thee on high; thou shalt triumph over all thy foes.'

The Lord has promised better days with these words 'Adam fell that men might be; and men are, that they might have joy.'

"Trials mold us to become like Christ. Christ suffered for our sins, felt our pains, and struggles. The question should be asked when we do not want struggles... do we think we better than him? And God would answer... 'The Son of Man hath descended below them all. Art thou greater than he?' Christ himself suffered and was tried... it is by passing through sorrow that we learn good from the evil, sorrow versus joy, gain wisdom and compassion for others that suffer, etc., are refined from a piece of coal to a diamond.

"So let us have faith that there are always better day ahead as Christ has promised us 'if thou endure it well, God shall exalt thee on high.'"


Thursday, June 5, 2014

Inspiration Concerning Treatment of Bi-Polar and other Mental Disorders

Hi all! :)

I have been working A LOT (between work and home). I still need to plant seeds in my garden. I will have to select only the ones that have time to make it... 

My back is ACHING this morning; I fear I must go to a chiropractor - quick - it hurts just to walk. Between my back and neck aching, this morning, my burden (which has seemed so light), suddenly feels somewhat heavy.

I have felt like crying today. But when I start to cry I just remember how much Heavenly Father is helping us and I quote to myself, "I can do all things through Christ which strengtheneth me." Philippians 10:14 - Then I pray and thank Him for helping me.

In a moment here I will add to this post another journal entry I have not yet posted... (Even though I typed them when I wrote them, it is hard to make time to get these up on the computer and post them). I sometimes worry about posting these journal entries, for fear of what others might think... I know I shouldn't, but I don't want anyone to judge my family; we are all doing the best we can with what we know and have... I really feel though, that the Lord will continue to give us answers and make things work out for us; He always does! With that in mind I pray that the answers we find will also bless others who are searching for the same answers; and so I write...

"May 24... Last night I picked up a book, “The Ultra Mind Solution.” This is the book which, while I earnestly prayed for help for another mental challenge in the family a couple years ago – the Holy Spirit led my mother to the video of it, and she felt prompted to tell me about it, and the spirit testified to me that this book held the answers I was seeking… At the time the book seemed quite deep and somewhat complex; it wasn't something I could get through quickly, and I have yet to finish reading and follow through... What a frustration! Thankfully, this time around it seems easy to understand! Perhaps I learned just enough between then and now for the information to gel and "stick" in this brain of mine. I have a feeling I am going to learn it very well. :)

"Yesterday, I opened the book up and it fell right open to treating low Dopamine and low Serotonin levels, naturally. This is, essentially, what the Dr.’s are doing to help Miles with Bipolar (Manic Depressant) Disorder. I knew the lord had guided me there and was giving me answers I was seeking to know what to do naturally (along with the medication), to help FIX the problem, so he doesn't have to stay on the medication...

"The book also has a quiz to take, to see what aspects of the self treatment program one needs to recover, and whether or not they may need to seek professional medical treatment in addition to the self directed program. Miles took the quizzes this morning and scored at just barely a high enough score to need medical treatment. And I will tell you, that though I do NOT like medications, I DID get a good feeling about him taking them – twice. I have concerns. It seems they may give him anxiety in the evenings after he takes them. And I have not researched his medication yet, but know that most medications cover symptoms but do not fix problems. However, some truly are good... I pray that this one is!

"Miles is going to do as the Dr. in the book suggests, home treatment as well as medical treatment. Once he becomes more balanced, we can work with a Dr. to wean him off the medicine and just do the natural treatments.

 "I have a really good feeling right now! I know the Lord is aware of our needs and He is helping us! J I am so thankful for Heavenly Father and the loving guidance he gives to his children through his Holy Spirit! I am so thankful for the Holy Ghost! I pray that I will study this book WELL, and bless and help all of my family through it (as well as many others in the future!)."

Corine :D  

Sunday, June 1, 2014

Gratitude for Grace - Sheep in His Fold...

May 15, 2014, 10:00 PM

Hi. :D Miles is home.. I think my mom may have been released from the hospital today as well, but I could not reach her by phone to find out. I pray he is well...

Miles is doing great! I picked him up mid-day- He then wen to the shop with me and from there he went and taught sailing lessons. Levi went too. :)

...falling asleep
good night. :)

May 16, 2014

An underlying theme that keeps coming to my mind lately is my gratitude for my Savior Jesus Christ, and the blessing of strength that He has graced me with...

I have only talked to family about these things, but when I went to pick up Levi from a church activity, I was surprised that so many seemed to know… many worried about me.

They would ask how I am doing (not just mom and husband). Had they not asked, I would not have realized how blessed I am, because regardless of how much I care about my husband and mother, and regardless of the extra work involved for me to help them, I’m NOT the one carrying this burden…

It is humbling to realize how deeply blessed I have been. Not only are my mother and husband being cared for, but my children and I are as well… During this time which could have been so stressful, I have experienced only about two hours of  - when I learned of the huge hospital bill! (I used to suffer with anxiety – A LOT – so this is really saying something!)…

I feel as though I have been carried along by the hand of God. I have been relaxed.

He has woke me each morning and given me strength and energy to do what needs to be done. The Lord has performed many miracles each day to help me to serve my family. He has blessed us with family and ward family friends who have done what I could not do. Many have been touched by the lord to extend themselves to my family without me having to ask. The Lord is watching over us, and continually giving peace…

None of us have to worry, or go through our trials alone… Heavenly Father has sent his Holy Spirit to comfort and inspire us… He sends angels in the form of Doctors, nurses, strangers, and friends...

PS. Our new ward friends have been SO THERE for Miles and our family, as have others in the ward; food was taken to the kids while Miles and I were away (I learned from the kids that several people brought food; Damien told me that we have "a lot of friends")…  Certain church members, who I previously thought of as church members, but who did not truly FEEL like “friends”… now truly FEEL so! A BOND was created with this service! Our circle of friends and family has grown! J

As sheep in His fold, we are NOT alone… We are truly blessed!!! J

Corine  :D

Friday, May 30, 2014

Events of the Day and Diagnosis

Hi all! :D The past few days have been SO BUSY! (I know, that happens a lot around here! ;) But... I have been able to start catching up on some work at home, and actually STARTED my garden! It is late, very late. All I actually did so far was till part of the ground (with some help from Damien) and do some transplanting. I will go camping with the family today, and come Monday I will till some more ground and plant some seeds.

As for now, I'm posting another old journal entry here (below this note), and perhaps scheduling to post others so I can catch you up on my perspective and thoughts about what Miles' has recently gone through.

As for how Miles is doing now, the suicidal struggle has passed and he is doing much better (you'll have to keep reading the old journal entries if you want the rest of the story). 

Miles has OK'd this project, (writing about it here) and I think it is important because going through depression or any type of emotional or mental disorders is sometimes treated like a taboo that is shameful to admit or talk about etc. I totally disagree!

I want my husband, and all others with similar challenges to know that Miles and I are not embarrassed or ashamed, and neither should they be!

Having mental or emotional struggles is no different than experiencing a disorder or disease of any other part of the body, and should be treated as such! It does not define who a person is or lower their value in any degree. Nor is it a sentence to an unfulfilling life!

With that, I will leave you with the next journal entry in line and go continue packing for a camping trip! :) Cheers!

Corine... :D

PS. Here are a couple before and after photos of garden work just finished...

The garden just after I started working yesterday...

The garden this morning... (Making progress! :)

“May 13, 2014            Tuesday night                              

Hi. I worked at the shop all day today. Debbi Bingham came to visit me while I was there. I’m so thankful for her friendship! J I’m thankful that I

… falling asleep! :o”

(I forced myself to stay awake and get the main points of the day written down)

“Brother Wilson took me to the hospital to see Miles.

Miles saw Doctors today… He said they took a lot of blood.

He was diagnosed Bipolar.

They put him on medication – EXPENSIVE!

The bishop is paying for the first month supply…

I am happy Miles is being helped – but concerned. I pray Miles does not get addicted or that it becomes a financial hardship.

PS. Debbie was worried about me and . ..

…falling asleep again;

Good night.

Corine J

Notes: As you can see, I was too tired to get detailed. when I wrote this. 

I will add now that when I was at the hospital with mom, she asked me if I ever thought Miles might be bipolar. I told her the thought had crossed my mind. So hear it diagnosed a few days later was not a surprise. I can’t believe I never gave it more thought than in quick passing!

I will also add that having Debbie come to me and ask if she could just drop by and visit with me WAS SUCH A BLESING! I didn’t even know I needed to talk. But I did. And thanks to her, I got to… Having someone to talk to about what was going on – going through my thoughts OUT LOUD really helped me to sort through them and solidify the things that I was learning through all of this (perhaps I will share that later). I know Debbie is called as a compassionate service leader in our church, but when she came by it didn’t feel like it was a duty; she was so sincere I forgot she even had the calling. I truly felt that she was there as a friend, and truly does care about me and desire to be there for me (and still feel that way). Miles and I have been truly blessed with friends reaching out in small and simple ways; we are truly blessed! J



Monday, May 26, 2014

Suicidal - Why is this Happening?

I told you I would continue publishing a few journal entries, but have been swamped with work, so finally got around to the computer this morning to keep that promise. I will try to post every day or every other day or so until it is all told...

May 11, 2014              Sunday

Miles is in the hospital tonight. He has been suicidal, so Devry and Rob Byrd both went to church members for help. Devry told me that Miles was in his bedroom drawing all morning. A couple ward members (including a Dr.) went to visit Miles. The Dr. talked with him extensively, and determined that he must not be left alone, and that he needed professional help IMMEDIATELY…
I told the Dr. to please understand that I do not place a price tag on my husband’s life, but that he must also understand that we have NO MONEY… that our debt to income ratio is terrible, and that if he walked out of the hospital with a medical bill he could not pay, he would only come out more depressed. I told him that if we could not qualify for Medicaid, that someone must watch Miles until I could get there, and that I would not be there until late tomorrow night. He said not to worry, and that he would take care of things…

A few minutes later they gave Miles a blessing and took him to the hospital.

Mindy is staying here with my mother, and I am going home first thing in the morning.

This evening I drove from the hospital to mom’s house and packed the car for the trip home.

I cried when I first found out the seriousness of Miles’ depression. I cried a few times. I was so overwhelmed, and it seemed too awful to be true. But the lord blessed me with great peace and I know everything will be OK.

Mindy told me that every time I leave home, Miles gets depressed.

I thought that was interesting, because I instinctively knew that if I were home he would not have been like this and would not have had to be on watch.

On my drive from Ogden McKay Hospital to Logan I had a little inspiration.

 I believe that Miles is on the verge of success, and that Satan is striving to discourage him so that he will not have the faith to work and experience that success…

Today in the hospital I went to church. The first talk was about Mothers Day. The second one was about helping others during times when it is particularly difficult to do so, and when one might be frustrated and want to give up on them. The man gave stories of youth and of missionaries who were struggling (he was a mission president who sometimes WANTED to send struggling elders home but was prompted not to!)... I knew that the principles and stories applied to people of ALL stages and ages.

I thought of Miles…

Then as I drove home I knew that the lord was telling me to help Miles to succeed and not to let him give up and quit… to help him to keep moving forward and to experience the success the Lord knows he is capable of.

I knew people would tell him to QUIT his business. I KNOW this, SOMEHOW I JUST KNOW IT!

And I will be the one to tell Miles that the people who tell him to quit, are wrong… I will help him to have the faith and courage to keep on working and to get that store up and running and making money. I will be the one to help him discover that he has what it takes to experience success in this area. ...even though I am the one who begged him to end this seasonal business years ago, and even though we still have to figure out a way to make it YEAR ROUND, and not just seasonally! :o
I have 12 hours of driving ahead of me tomorrow, so I must get to bed and sleep.

Good night. J

Corine :D

Friday, May 23, 2014

Mental Health Challenges

I know I haven't been to THIS BLOG in a LONG time, and didn't intend to return, but the things I have to share at this time in my life just seem like they should be shared here; for this is where I used to share my struggles, and the joys that I found regardless of AND THROUGH THEM; and our family is currently going through some struggles, which I FEEL the Lord wants me to share... so for those who still come here, as well as for those who the Lord will lead here, here I am. 

A lot has gone on in our family. Where to start??

Miles and I have had very low income. We have received no welfare for a long time (but did off and on years ago); finances have gone up and down, but for the past few years income has continually gone down. Each year we have needed more miracles to get by financially. I know there has been a lot of judgment made about us and our finances. I know people judge him for not doing more (thought he tries!). I know they judge me for not doing more than just help my husband with our business (though I am already maxed out!). But I also know that there are reasons for why we do what we do which I could not explain to others (and still have no desire to explain; others can judge us, but they can't put us on trial). I understand it now. I now understand why Miles does what he does. I now understand why the Lord has guided me to do what I have done. :) I am filled with peace. It maters not what others think, only that we do our best and obey the Lord. I will not explain the "why's" but I will share a little recent history with you that will be somewhat enlightening...

A couple weeks ago my mother was informed that if she did not go to the ER., she would be dead in a couple weeks. She was terrified to go and refused to go until I could come be with her. I had no money to travel, but family members and a friend rallied together to help with expenses (which included auto repair). My daughter and I went together. We were in the hospital with my mom much of the time and ran back and forth between mom’s house in Logan and the hospital in Ogden… It was exhausting, but mom needed us, and was a blessing to serve…

During this time my husband went into a deep depression. I worried from the things he said by phone, but did not realize how deeply depressed he was. Miles struggled with suicidal thoughts and was in a dark hole he didn’t know how to climb out of.

We have two Dr.’s in our church ward family who heard of Miles’ struggles and went to our home to visit him. We had never previously text-ed, phoned, or “hung out,” before, yet here they were…

While I was out of town (and still planning to be out of town for another week or more) one of them and another friend took Miles to the hospital; With tears of regret that I could not be in two places at once, I changed plans and left my mom at the hospital to prepare the car for the long drive home.

(BTW. Mindy stayed behind to help her grandmother her first few days home from the hospital - another bit of inspiration from the Lord, for Mindy also felt inspired to go to help her grandmother, even though I was going!… I think it helped me as much as mom; it made it more bearable for me to leave!)

I planned on waking naturally so I could be well rested and prepared well for the long drive… content with arriving home by bedtime. But at 3 AM I could not sleep. Eventually I got out of bed and drove, planning to stop and see Miles in the hospital on my way home. When I got to the hospital (hours earlier than I would have if I had not woke at 3), I learned of “visiting hours” and that they had just started. I thanked the Lord for the sleepless night that woke me early… J

Home again - The next morning I got into a new routine… After a week of traveling hundreds of miles and caring for my mother, exhausted; this became been my new schedule: I woke around 4 AM to clean house etc.; then worked at the sailboat shop (family business) all day; ran home for a quick bite to eat; then drove to visit my husband during visiting hours in the evenings… returning home just on time to read scriptures and go to sleep in preparation to do it all over again the next day. Not a moment to spare, and with only about 6 hours of sleep each night; and I have been blessed to do so much and still feel so rested! This cannot be coincidental. I was carried and rejuvenated by the Lord! J

After blood tests, Miles was diagnosed Bipolar (Manic Depressant) and put on medication.

This explained some things regarding our income (no, I won't elaborate - except to say that my husband has always been very overly trusting and kind to his customers; and that HAS affected our income, among other overly optimistic decisions made. :))…It is a miracle we have made it this long, and it seems impossible to keep the business going. But I believe the Lord never runs out of miracles for those who love and serve Him and do everything they can…Maybe this diagnosis and medication is the beginning of another miracle... to help us with future decisions so we will not have to keep relying upon miracles...

Mom and Miles were both discharged from hospitals on the same day. Neither is out of the woods, but both are alive! :)

I am thankful for this!

In the coming days, I plan to publish a few of my journal entries that I have written during this time. After that, I will most likely continue to publish here as I write and keep you up to date as often as I feel inclined to. I don't know what the future holds for us, or how our story will evolve, but I do know the Lord loves us and that He is good at turning lemons into lemonade! ;0

I pray that others who are going through similar struggles will find strength and comfort in our story. and in the confidence we have that the Lord is mindful of us and loves us all, no matter our struggles...

Corine :D